should I stay or should I go . . .

is the question that is resonating in my mind today…

Should I leave.. to where would I go ? to what would I go? Why would I go? Why should I stay? What is here for me? What would I be leaving? The snow, the weather?

What will I do here if I stay? Will I stay in this house? Will I sell the house? Where would I move to and why would I move?

My friends–whom can I call ‘friend”? whom can I call to meet me for coffee at the drop of a hat? are they here? no? where are they?

I know that I cannot go back to my single — as in before marriage– days… those are gone. This is a new chapter of my life… the ‘to be continued’ part of my life. I find myself in a funny bracket… no husband to tag-along with anymore. . Couples won’t be coming over as they once did because Rudy Raul is no longer here with me. Though they continue to call, I very much doubt that his single men friends will be stopping by much anymore..

I still feel like I am new to Idaho. After almost 14 years I still have few friends here..When I feel like talking to a friend there really is no one here that I can turn to. Never really has been.

Not too long ago I read that Grieving takes a lot more time than any one of us has the patience for.. Me? I have no choice but to hang in there.. others? they don’t have to. They don’t have to hang in there with me.. they can and have gone on with their lives and whom can anyone blame? not a one.

It is nigh on 4 months since Rudy’s death. How time passes.

After all these thoughts, I am thinking that I am feeling a little peeved at the upset of my life right now. I am going to have to make decisions on my own and I don’t think I really enjoy that thought. I trusted Rudy in those big decisions — we’d make them together but I’d listen to him. I trusted him.

Early on, I had told myself and those who have asked, that I would stay here in Idaho for at least one year — no decisions until at least one year passes. No great life decisions will be made by myself before that time.

Sometimes I think that God brought me here for the sole purpose of loving and caring for Rudy Raul.. outside of him, what was I doing here? and now?

What does God have planned for my life? when he decides to let me know or he gives me a nudge — will I know it for what it is?

should I stay or should I go…

grabbing at life…in the shadows..

is something that I am learning about. Life. When my brother in-law R let me know of his need to hire extra and temporary help for the Kitchen and Dining Room at Gowen Air Field, I asked if it was work that I could do…it was, and here I am.. waiting to get my first paycheck from an Idaho job — the first job I’ve worked at since leaving California in September 1994. The pay will be nothing like what I was used to — but, really, the paycheck wasn’t the idea when I decided to take the Job.

Yes, I get paid but I, also, am given an opportunity to ’serve’ those men and women who are serving, who help keep the United States of America a free country. I am given the opportunity to pray for those young men and the young women who come through the serving line.

The other plus is that the job brings me out of the house. It gets me moving amongst other people. It keeps me from letting myself stay isolated –I am forced to be around others. Being around others sometimes gives me smiles and sometimes I can return those smiles. Sometimes I have to move to a place alone where tears can escape with little notice — where my agony is felt only by me and not shared amongst the others. Sometimes I still want to be by myself, alone with my grief. Alone with my thoughts. Alone with my memories. Just alone.

Those times of wanting to be alone… they are still here. I still feel the need to stay in the shadows. I am still most comfortable in the shadows. Little by little, however, I am moving toward the edge, the outer rim of the shadows.. I can feel it..but i don’t yet want to move out. No.

and this day…

is fathers Day. I think I will stay close to home today. Churches will be recognizing all fathers today and I think that I will save myself from extra pain on this one.

Buster is out back and has been fed and watered. The sprinklers are refreshing the grasses of both our front and back lawns at this moment. I’ve watered the two large planters that are sitting on the front porch and have had my cup of coffee for the morning along with 1/2 cup of Nancy’s Yogurt.

My Dad will be 87 years old this next December. Today is Fathers Day and my family is so blessed to still have our Dad here on earth. I realize that not all children have a father that they can easily or happily honor.. a father that they love with all their heart nothing reserved… a father that they can respect because their father earned respect.. We have all of that and plus in our Dad. My mom and Dad are those types of ‘older folk’ whom are visited and sought out by the younger people. I called my Dad about half an hour ago to wish him a Happy Father’s Day and of course, my call was on the tail of my nephew W. My Dad is going to be on the telephone all day today We talked about Rudy and his not being here on this day and about, funny, how one day we will all see each other again. We talked a little about the form that we will take on at that time and how we will ’see’ each other and not just be ghostlike . .

Today Mom and Dad will go to their church and will, later on, attend with their son and grandsons the Vigil or Viewing of V, the mother of these two grandsons. M and J’s mom, my oldest brother A’s ex-wife, passed away last week and will be buried tomorrow in San Bernardino, California.

A photo of the suspect in regard to the Forgery with our Bank Account this past March — please take a look — IDAHO ID ME look for this photo — sliding right –the photos (2) at this time, are the last two-the man in a white jacket and a dark cap. It is numbered:: 2008-26b

this day…

is Raul’s birthday. Yes, we would have celebrated his birthday today-together. But, he isn’t here anymore. I celebrated his Birthday by myself. I got up this morning and let Buster out. Got myself a cup of coffee and got myself ready to go to Nampa’s Farmer’s Market which is held in Old Downtown Nampa — about 5 minutes from home. Farmer’s Market was one of the places that Raul and I enjoyed each Summer through Fall. Raul had friends there. The people knew him. I readied myself and went.

It was a strange feeling driving to the Market alone. Finding a parking space on my own. Stepping out of the car alone, without Rudy. Walking in the Crosswalk and down the sidewalk to the Market area. I was alone in a place that I have never been to without Rudy. But I walked straight to the vendor that we ALWAYS went to and had a Bratwurst with grilled onions a Pepsi and Granny Goose Potato Chips. I slathered that Brat with mustard, ketchup and relish and walked directly toward the bench that Raul and I used to sit at with our lunch-type of ‘breakfast’. The Brat was good. But my companion was absent. I got up and went walking around stopping at different vendor shops.

The joy that I had while shopping in this same place with Rudy was missing. I stopped and enquired about a cement type of bench I saw there at one of the shops. He makes and sells different sizes, styles but when I got to the place where I was explaining what I wanted the bench for I choked and couldn’t continue. He gave me his business card. I’ll call him later.

It wasn’t fun like it used to be. Regardless, I walked over to the Fry Bread vendor — the Fry Bread is Navajo and made by Navajos. I ordered mine with honey butter. It was sooo good. Walking away from the Fry Bread vendors I met up with The Pooch Pub owner and purchased a bag of Ankle Biters–treats for my little black ball of fur! I walked around a little more, bought a little packet of Snickerdoodles for myself and went back to my car, back home.

Once home my brother R called me, then my sister O — they remembered that it was Rudy’s Birthday and wanted to let me know that they remember him and are thinking about him because he wasn’t and isn’t just someone invisible, he is a live memory. Wasn’t that so sweet? In fact, my mom called me not too long ago to tell me the same thing –and that they were thinking and talking about him today. The family (in California)  took my Dad out today to celebrate Father’s Day as tomorrow the restaurants will be a bit hectic for them..

Tomorrow (Sunday) is my sister O’s husband’s birthday. Raul has a Flag Day birthday — and yes, our Flag is flying — oh gosh, I forgot to take it down… OK — it’s down now.

I came home and then went to pick up a Birthday cake for someone. A couple of weeks ago I’d been invited to a good friends 60th Birthday. She and her husband had moved to Oregon in 2006. Her son received his Masters Degree and the Graduation was today so she thought she was here to celebrate J’s accomplishment. Besides wanting to celebrate with these friends, as soon as I knew the date I knew I’d be there as I knew that this, Raul’s Birth Day might be a tough day to spend all by myself. So I picked up the cake and delivered it. Came home and let Buster back in with me and then took about a 45 minute nap. I needed the nap. Then we got up and got ready and I left.

Yes, it was a nice party and I had a good time. I am glad that I went to celebrate H’s birthday and I am glad that I celebrated the birthday and  reated a new memory of a wonderful man. A man who’s life i was blessed to be a part of.

raining, raining

and still raining. I just got home about 40 minutes ago after celebrating a birthday a couple of miles from here. It is raining and pretty cold, too. Yet, all in all it was a really nice day.

Yesterday (June 10th) started out with lots of sun. A little cool outdoors but nice and sunny. I did do a good amount of work in the flower beds and got to work on that compost heap but really would have liked to have been able to apply some Roundup to some sidewalk and asphalt cracking weeds! Luckily I didn’t as the rain would have washed it right off without giving it enough time to go ’systemic’.

I spent some time at Washington Mutual as there was some business that needed taking care of in regard to that dratted forgery — identity fraud that I am dealing with. A pain in the neck. When that creep is in front of me I am going to kick him with all the strength that I can muster! mm hmm, I’ll do it, too!

I have decided to take a temporary job. I think it will last about two months and sounds like it will keep me on my feet and busy. I think that leaving home for several hours a day and being plain ol’ busy elsewhere might be good for me. Well, that is what EVERYONE that I mention this to tells me — and I guess I can agree with them. I’ve never worked in a kitchen outside of home and church but this is where I will be for a while. Kitchen patrol type of work at the Military’s Gowen Airfield.. I tell my sisters that I am getting out of the house and will be out ’serving’ others while at the same time will be making money and can buy Pizza …. they were all prodding me to take this job, as it is temporary, but tell me, “DO NOT BUY THE PIZZA!” I think they are more worried about me eating the pizza, actually.

Life has changed and I know will continue to change for me. I have absolutely no idea at this point as to where my life is going. My life was so centered around Rudy Raul — my life was his and now he is gone. A large empty space is left — and it is up to me to decide what I am going to do with it.

and I have no clue.

life without the Love of my Life

is something that I am learning to do.. as for sure Raul is not home here with me in what was ‘our’ home. He is ‘at home’ now in a place where I hope to one day join him.

I find that I am becoming somewhat content, consoled in the hope that I will one day see him again. It is three months since Raul passed away and I am finally getting to the place where I do not become so angry as I did just a few weeks ago when acquaintances and loved ones who, in an attempt to lighten my sadness, would remind me that I have the hope of seeing Raul again one day.

My day began at 7:30a.m. when Detective Kimball from the City of Nampa Police Dept. rang my phone and woke me up. He had some questions in regard to the recent forgery using Raul’s identity. After the call I went to make myself a cup of coffee and a nutritional shake –Herbalife’s Dutch Chocolate–well, I drank the coffee outdoors and took a few sips of the shake. That shake sitteth in my refrigerator yet.

I took my coffee outside and spent a few hours outside in the flower beds. Buster, our little black ball of fur, stuck close by me as he was Snuggling his face into the grass looking for I don’t know what and probably would rather not know what! ha.. but he kept within a few feet of me all the while that I was out there.

Since working in our gardens I have always wanted to try my hand at a compost pile. Now that they are available, though, I have a desire to purchase one of those tumbling compost bins so that I can recycle the clippings from my own yard, flower beds and garden vs tossing it all in the garbage can for City Disposal. At present, however, I have cleared out a nice spot in one of the corners of the back yard that is quite bare of anything and was once used to pile firewood in. The firewood had been moved elsewhere last year by Rudy. This will have to do for now in the way of composting. We’ll see how this goes. Now I guess I’d best finish my breakfast.

it’s just not fun anymore

..it isn’t. Even grocery shopping brings memories, sadness and tearfulness. And then.. I had to take Raul’s name off one of our Bank Accounts today. That was not a fun thing to do. Necessary. Especially in view of the fact that some creep slid his sticky fingers into another account of ours using Raul’s name, identity — yes, even his driver’s license number.. he did get the expiration date wrong and his sig was no way like Rudy’s. No, life just is not too much fun these days.

Yesterday I took myself over to The House of Kim for dinner. They serve some really wonderful Thai food. And yes, I didn’t bring the food home. I decided to sit and eat it there. Rudy and I always had Sizzling Rice Soup for starters and I did the same yesterday. The Owner already knows about Raul’s death and the last time I went one of my sisters went with me so he noted that i was alone this time–no sister, he said… no. Alone today.

As much as Raul needed extra care there are sure a lot of things that we did together and now doing these things without him bring sadness to my heart.

About the Forgery Affidavit/Claiim that is in process — I have a couple of pictures of the possible ’suspect’. One of the the Nampa Police Department Detectives has been to my house a couple of times now. During one of those visits he brought a couple of photos taken from the video-taping of the transaction at the bank. The creep — I don’t recognize him. I have decided to pay visits to some of the jewelers and clock and watch buddies that Raul has and see if they recognize this person. I will even post that photo online here pending permission from the Nampa PD. Again, the Creep — how did he get hold of that account number?

There is still quite a little pile of paperwork pending the revision of some documents that were incorrectly completed upon Raul’s death by the hospital. I have had in my mind to get away from here for a while but am somewhat strapped by this unfinished business. Perhaps I will make a short trip out to Southern California to be with my family anyhow and then go later for a longer visit… decisions decisions…

Someone called today and asked to borrow something that belonged to Rudy. I couldn’t give an answer but just started crying. I’ll have to think on it.

The first couple of weeks after he died, I was able to put most of Raul’s dress shirts in a storage container. Was able to fold them on auto pilot I am realizing, numb and still in shock I moved most of his slacks out of our closet and hung them in the armoire where he hung some of his pants. He has a number of Pendletons and jackets that I moved out of two closets and put them all together in another. Whenever I see or touch the leisure or exercise pants/shirts that he wore whenever he went for his Physical Therapy at the Idaho Elks Rehab here in Nampa, i get a funny feeling — a sad sweet and sometimes sick feeling inside.

Last week as I turned the corner to come home, I saw an ambulance and fire engine parked in front of one of my neighbors’ home. I spoke to one of the emergency persons there who reassured me that my neighbor was not in extreme danger.. at that moment I saw someone running toward me, calling my name. It was one of the personnel at the  Idaho Elks here in Nampa, where my husband was receiving his Physical Therapy — she was worried thinking that it was me the Ambulance was here for. Her husband had alerted her to the possibility. I invited her in and we sat and talked. She let me know that a few of the Therapists there were having a difficult time dealing with the death of my husband. We talked about Rudy, about his beautiful smile and bright eyes. I was so happy with the visit, especially since I’d been wanting to stop by but haven’t been able to bring myself to do so yet.

God knows when I need someone to talk to. He knows when I really need a person to come sit with me. He knows when I need a telephone call… a hug, reassurance, a show of or showers of love.

I have had some good friends tell me that they didn’t know what to say to me so they’ve stayed back. Some of them thought that that might be what I wanted, or needed. It isn’t. I’ve had a few people call recently to tell me that they didn’t know what to say, didn’t know how to make me feel better. So they didn’t call at all. I told them that they really don’t have to say something “to make me better”. Nothing anyone says takes away the ache. Just be my friend.

I think I may be rambling so I will say ‘goodnight’.

p.s.

the garden is in. It rained once I was all done planting.

It’s done. But I think I am going to look for those Serrano peppers. And being that I think I broke a Jalapeno stem.. I need to replace it. I also need some Anaheim and New Mexico Chiles.. and Roma Tomatos — I can’t believe that there were no Romas to be found yesterday! If I get lazy and decide to not go hunting for the above — no biggie. I’ve got a good garden going.

Someone was laughing at me yesterday — asking if I was going to put in 25 tomato plants again.. ha, I told him that ‘no’ I was not –maybe just 15. Ha, he still thought that was too many. But, well — I do can and never have to buy tomato (except fresh for sandwiches/salads) during the winter or early spring/summer months.

I remember the first year of marriage I didn’t do any canning as when I got here it was late September and Rudy’s brother R and his wife JML were living here and they did the canning. The next year I did the canning as they were out living on their own by then. I do remember, however, that I did not do the planting the second year but some friends of my husbands did the planting. I think i started the planting by the third planting season since I came here.

Anyhow, this has been a good day. The garden is in.

I am tired and need to go relax before I lay me down to sleep.

remembering..

other Memorial days when Raul and I would drive over to Burley, Idaho to place flowers at the graves of his Mother and Father and his two brothers. This morning I went to Hillcrest Cemetary alone. I placed pink and coral roses atop Raul’s grave and sat there for a while, reminiscing. As I was gathering the roses it came to my mind that as I was picking out the Roses that I wanted for Raul’s grave, that God also picks his roses, his flowers.

As I pick and chose which color rose I prefer, which type of rose I prefer I remember God also has the same right to pull those of his that he wishes to pull out of his garden, out of this world. I walk away with my pick, my choice and so does He.

The flag was missing. There was no flag at his grave. I came home and called the Cemetary and they agreed to have one there within ten minutes. Others will forget about Rudy, about his grave, but I won’t. I won’t forget him. Yes, I will go on and live life but I will not forget.

Memorial Day::: This is the weekend that Raul liked to have our vegetable garden put in. It was a deadline for us. When i came to live with him here I learned that this was THE weekend. The garden today is not yet in. I am on the verge but am not there yet. JG who is a good friend of ours, came over and roto-tilled the area for me a few weeks ago. The ground is nice and soft and ready for planting. Yesterday after church I went to buy the plants that I wanted to put in and wow — there is not much of a variety out right now. A couple of the nurseries I went to were closed well, yes, it was a Sunday.. so I had to go to the bigger places.. Ah well, I brought home enough to plant a good garden and if I want or think I need more I’ll go out looking again. I have tomato and along with Jalapeno I have Cayenne and Poblano and Bell peppers — oh darn, I just realized there are no Serrano peppers.., I have squash and basil and strawberries. Tomatillo along with arugala will return on their own. Oregano, sage and tarragon made it through the winter and are already growing strong.

Strange to be doing all this by myself. Raul was always the one to remind me to buy the plants –we’d go together to get some of them and he’d be around even if it were myself putting them in the ground. We were a Team. In all things we were a Team. This gardening really brings him to mind. I may have taken care of him these last several years but he helped make me a better person. I thank God for having had him in my life. What a good man he was. What good memories.

thank you notes..forgery claims…

the Family Fire 2008 was beautiful. The work that the Foundation put into the recognition of these fallen firefighters as well as their friends and family was so heartfelt that you could feel the compassion and heart that they poured into the weekend. It was also very visible. Yes, compassion spreads like wildfire..
Everyone present had at least one thing in common: we had each lost someone that we loved. We were all grieving that loss in one way or another… each at a different place in their walk but grieving, healing none the same.

This week has been kinder to me in that I am thinking a little clearer this week — clear enough, anyhow, to be able to pick up the telephone and take care of some business.

For one, on Mother’s Day weekend I drove over to Hillcrest Cemetary in Caldwell, parked the car and walked over to Raul’s grave. The headstone was not in place yet. On Monday I called Hillcrest and discovered that they had not yet placed the order. There was a situation with sudden staff shortage and the order was somehow overlooked. Being that the headstone is Military it has to go through the VA — so, the marker should be placed within the next four weeks. Hopefully it will be up by Rudy’s birthday in June — Flag Day. The cemetary will see to it that a U.S. Flag is placed at Rudy’s grave. Ah well.. I’m not into yelling at people … and I remember making mistakes myself.. so…

I think that about half of the Thank You cards are finally out. But I know there are still quite a few that I have yet to send.. There have been so many people that have come around me in support at some time and in one form or another.
The first box of cards I addressed and sent out about a month ago –I think I was on Auto Pilot. I have had trouble getting myself to where I could work on the second box. They make me think and I had not really wanted to think — it was too hard. This last week I have forced myself to sit and do this and am glad that I have.

I had been waiting on the bank to contact me in regard to the Forgery Claim/Affidavit that I filed in regard to money being taken out of an account of ours. I called twice to check up on it and it was pending. I finally decided that I was not going to wait for them to tell me to file the Police Report and went and did it on Monday and am glad that I did that, too. Then I called the bank again — it was still pending and I did not like that. The person I spoke to put an ‘escalation’ on the claim and told me I should give them 72 hours before I check back. I cannot imagine how someone just walked out of that bank with a $7000 cash advance — did he/she have or show an ID? hmmm — I’m not happy about this one. I want to see this persons face and he/she to see mine. hmph

I am tired and sleepy and am going to turn in for the night.
Tomorrow is another day…